What does that means to someone who has never owned a TV?
It was back in 2020 that I filled in a form from the TV
Licensing people to state that I hadn’t got a television. It seemed then very
odd that I should somehow require their permission not to have a television,
and that I would be hearing from them again in three years’ time, just to make
sure I hadn’t been tempted by the allure of television. I included a note with
said form stating that I would not be responding to any further enquiries, and
that I would inform them if I purchased a TV, or acquire any other method of
viewing or downloading their programs.
If I’d known just how much fun this has given me I would
have kept more of the letters that started to arrive early in 2023. I have only
one from Ross McTaggart, the Customer Service Director from back in April 23, when
I was still down with my brother in Cornwall. I did watch some TV with him, but
I soon became bored and found it very difficult to hear anything. I thought
this might be due to my age but then discovered that with older films I could
hear every word, so this must be something to do with actors mumbling. It was
only on my return to Tolsta in early May that I wrote my first rather curt reply
to Ross that deliberately did not post. I saw no reason to waist a stamp, but by
June things started to liven up when my case was taken further by Gordon Smith,
the enforcement manager based in Dundee. These letters became more threatening
in nature and the following are the series of my unsent replies, which provided
me with considerable amusement.
10th May 2023
Dear Ross, I’ve just opened your letter from April, which
arrived during my absence having spent the winter months down in Cornwall
undergoing treatment for cancer. You are correct in pointing out to me that I
am the present occupier and that my property is unlicensed for a TV. Now tell
me something I don’t know, because I certainly don’t need permission from a
consumer service director not to have a TV or at least I do hope not.
20th June 2023
Dear Gordon Smith, I’m afraid I burnt your letter along with
all the other unsolicited junk mail, but it would seem that my lack of
communication has meant an upgrading from Consumer Service Director, and that I
now find myself in the safe hands of the Enforcement Manager, namely you Gordon.
It will be interesting to see how this process works and to what length you will
go to before choosing to ignore me. As far as I know there is no law that
compels one to reply to your letters, so for now the conversation if you can
call it that, will be a bit one sided. I am choosing this non-communicative
course of action as an experiment to shed light on the way in which the TV
licencing company conducts itself. I remain confident that when a simple
investigation is launched all will become clear. Maybe you’ll take my silence
as some sort of proof that I must be secretly watching your programs, I do hope
not. Yours the Legal Occupier.
18th July 2023.
Dear Gordon, All has gone quiet from your end. Your last
letter was dated back in June and here we are, already half way through July.
How goes the investigation? Have you discovered if I’m male or female, because these
days with the hormonal treatment I’m receiving I’m not too clear on that point?
Can I still expect a visit? I would not like to think of the enforcement
officer coming all this way and not finding me at home, so a little notice
would be good. Maybe you have to wait until you get enough addresses to make
the journey over to Lewis worthwhile. I am not trying to delay or stop this
visit, simply wondering if it is the done thing to offer tea or coffee. It did
occur to me that perhaps your letters are computer generated and that all this
means nothing. One hears of so many scams these days, I even wondered if you
Gordon might be computer generated, I do hope not. Yours, the legal occupier.
1st August 2023.
Dear Gordon, Your latest correspondence left me both pleased
and disappointed. Pleased to see that this time your letter came with a big red
stamp of visit approved and officially signed by Scott. I love the way you all
have such Scottish sounding Christian names. Saddened, because you still don’t
seem any the wiser as to my sex and continue to address me as the legal occupier.
I don’t suppose either you or Scott will be making the trip over to Lewis since
with 5000 addresses a day being done you must have a veritable army of
enforcement officers. Good to think that in my own little way I’m doing my bit
to help with the unemployment levels. Your investigation has quite rightly led
you to the conclusion that there is no TV licence for this address, but Ross
must have told you that from the outset. I can only think that your records are
somewhat incomplete if you still intend to continue to a visit. They should
have shown you that three years ago I told you I had no TV and would not be
replying to any future enquiries unless the situation changed. I didn’t
consider I needed anyones permission not to have a TV. If Gordon, you are amongst
those fans of BBC Scotland’s Home of the Year, you may have noticed that this
address is also the same as the winning home for 2022. During the broadcast it
was made clear by the judges that there was no TV or modern gadgetry, but then
maybe you don’t watch that sort of thing.
Comparing your now blue signature to the previous black one,
it is evident that both yours and Scott’s are printed, which in turn leads me
to the sad conclusion that both you and Scott are computer generated. What a
sad thought, are there any real human beings left out there in this age of
artificial intelligence? It makes me wonder what sort of programs people are
watching on TV, and if they are not all being brainwashed by A.I. I do hope
not, yours still the legal occupier
1st September
Dear Gordon, My word what a splendid red envelope. You must
let me know where you get them from. Another month has slipped by and still you
are addressing your letters to The Legal Occupier, which makes me think that
your so called investigation has been very shallow indeed. By now I would have
expected your team to have at least discover my name if not my sex. I suppose
this must mean my initial suspicion that you are computer generated is most
likely correct and that whoever wrote the program did a very limiting job on
it. What a shame, as I was rather impressed by your job tittle of Enforcement Manager, although now it
sounds more like someone who’s in charge of stuffing pork sausages. By the way,
your signature is terribly easy to forge. Just thought you should know with all
the fuss made these days about identity theft and security passwords.
Your last letter told me to expect a visit on the 10th August, and although I had friends staying that week I was still somewhat excited about a visit, then disappointed that nobody turned up. It seems we have turned full circle, for now you give no date at all, only that an Officer has been scheduled. What does that mean? Have I simply been put on a list, and to what purpose? I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough Gordon, and are wasting tax payer’s money with idle threats. When can I expect some action, and what happened to Scott and his nice red stamp of approval? Perhaps he’s been sacked and you’re next on the list, I do hope not. Yours as ever, The Legal Occupier
18th Sept 2023
Dear Gordon, It’s now the 18th September and
still no letter from you this month despite you saying that an officer has been
scheduled to visit my home. I notice this is the exact same words used back in
April by Ross Mc Taggart your Customs Service Director. (Great job titles by
the way). Was that just another one of your idle threats, because by now you
should know that doesn’t work, not in my case? We seem to be into one of those
famous circular computer programing systems. I notice you don’t actually put a
date to your letters, just the month, but I thought by now I’d usually heard
something. Maybe it’s the summer break, but I expect your well into the
investigations and I’m fully conscious that I’m not the only person to be
causing problems. I see there has been progress of sorts in that I am now
referred to as Sir/Madam. Well done, you have established that I exist even if
my sex remains a mystery to both of us. I don’t think I’d like your job Gordon
as it seems difficult to imagine what satisfaction can be obtained from it. I
looked up enforce/enforcement in my 1971 Collins dictionary to see if that
could shed any light on exactly what your job entails. To give strength to; to
put in force; to impress on the mind; to compel obedience; to impose action
upon; to urge on; to execute, all very fine words, but in my particular case
none of them seem to be working. It must be frustrating, I mean people like me,
the Sir /Madams of this world who simply will not reply to your letters no
matter how much impressing or compelling you might do. I would find that very
depressing and maybe that’s the reason I haven’t heard from you this month,
because you’re off sick with depression. I do hope not. Yours, decidedly
undepressed Sir or Madam.
28th September
Dear Gordon, What a relief, at last a letter, you had me
worried. Well it seems we have indeed returned to square one, like a game of
snakes and ladders, although I’m not sure if it’s you Gordon or me who’s slid
down the snake. Gone are the nice red envelopes and official red stamp,
replaced by rather dull brown envelopes and a rather insipid and far less
threatening green code number IN0100A3D8. Having said that I do rather like the
little extra slot window design especially to display my code number to all and
sundry. Am I perhaps supposed to do something with this code? In this age of high
security it is a welcome change to see something so personal to me banded about
for all and sundry to see, but then perhaps the code has no real value. To be
admired none the less, like the stoic few who still send postcards without a
care in the world as to who might read them. As a child I remember well our old
postman Cecil Minors coming into our kitchen, knocking his pipe out into the
sink and then informing my mother that my aunt was coming to stay.
You say this special number is to target unlicensed homes,
but personally I can’t see it making any difference, it’s a number nothing more
or less. You state also that your letter is a formal notification that my
details have been passed to your Dundee Enforcement Team, but Gordon if you
look back to your letter in June it states quite clearly that you had scheduled
a visit by an officer from Dundee Enforcement Division. I think you might be
losing the plot Gordon, surely it would be simpler all round just to make that
famous visit rather than saying it could happen at any moment. Yes and pigs
might fly, and if you don’t do it soon I’ll be heading south for my London exhibition,
and before you know it we’ll be having an anniversary, and I’ll be wondering if
I should bake a cake or send a card. Once again I can only surmise that such
ridiculous behaviour could only come from a computer. So, either the empty
threats have gone full circle, or you are truly suffering from early onset of
dementia, I do hope not. Yours once
again the Legal Occupier.
Dear Kerry, Even from the outside of the envelope I could
tell things had changed. There displayed for all the world to see through the
long slit window was the statement Official notice: investigation opened. Then
inside I noticed immediately that there was a new signature, and a new Dundee
Enforcement Officer, namely your good self-Kerry. A lovely place Ireland, but
then perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions, very unprofessional of me. You see
what Gordon failed to realise throughout all those months of non-communication was
that although he banded about those fine words of investigation and official as
some sort of threat, it was in fact him who was being investigated by me. Well,
perhaps not solely him, but at least the system that you have in place and at
what point it ceases to function. So, Kerry welcome to the investigation, and I
hope you have less hot air in you than Gordon did, but judging by your first
letter that doesn’t look likely. In fact it all seems very familiar even down
to Scott’s little signature on the red stamp of visit approved. I’m so glad
he’s still about to lend a little moral support, but I want to see you get down
and dirty Kerry, and above all else some action please. If not, I shall have to
conclude that you are simply another cloned or updated version of Gordon’s
computer program. I like to think Gordon got promotion, but fear the worst, off
sick or even fired, I do hope not. Yours as ever the uncommunicative
owner/occupier.
20th Nov, 2023
Dear Kerry, I knew as soon as I saw the red envelope it
would be from you. I have to admit to a little excitement every time one of
your letters arrive on my doorstep. What new line of attack will they have
dreamed up? Well, to start with there was the red envelope. Exactly the same
format as the brown envelope in Gordon’s final communication, accept the long
window was filled by big bold capitols informing me this was an OFFICIAL
NOTICE, which made only a little more sense than the long number Gordon
allocated me, I mean it’s hardly likely to be unofficial notice after all these
months. Inside was a total let down, uninspired and frankly a total waist of
paper. While you continue to call me The Legal Occupier I find it hard to
believe that you’ve even begun to launch your famous investigation. Over the
past nine months you haven’t even managed to discover my name. You state for
the umpteenth time that I should expect a visit, but you say that every month
and nothing happens. Frankly Kerry I had expected better from you. You know, a
bit of enthusiasm for your new job, but instead it’s the same old story, which
by now you must realise is getting you nowhere. I think perhaps you all have a
fear of crossing water, and true the Minch can be quite wild at this time of
year. Will this go on for ever, because it’s really becoming rather tedious? If
that’s your only game plan, to bore me into responding then you sorely mistaken.
I’ll simply be reduced to chucking your letters in the bin, unopened? When I
see those little coded squares, I wonder what information they might contain.
It often feels like we have already reached judgement day and the world is now
run by Sky Net and machines. I’m going away down to London and Cornwall at the
end of this month. Maybe you’ll make a special effort for Christmas and come
calling in your Santa costume, I do hope not.
April 16th 2024
Dear Ross, Your back, things have indeed turned full circle
as it was nearly a year ago since you wrote, and I thought at first glance that
this was the same letter I’d received back in April 2023. However it stated
that a local investigation was active in my area. I have to say that didn’t
fill me with any great confidence that anything had changed, and during my
absence during the winter months Kerry seemed to have totally given up. Those
few weeks I spent with my brother reinforced my resolve to never bother with a
television, and frankly I was horrified at some of the rubbish he watched. It
never ceases to amaze me what intelligent people see as entertaining. OK
perhaps once in a while to simply switch off, but week after week the same
repetitive garbage? At this point I must be clear that I’m not accusing the BBC
of being the sole producers of rubbish, I’m simple horrified at the colossal
choice of what passes today as entertainment from so many channels. I was also
astounded at the price of a TV licence. I enjoy watching films and have built
up quite a collection from my local charity shop at 50p a throw. Imagine how
many films I could get with the price of a licence. OK they’re not the latest
releases, but neither are most of yours, and I have my own system in choosing
what to watch as well as the feel good factor of supporting the local hospice.
THE END GAME Wednesday 17th
This evening, surprise, surprise, a charming young man
called round just after seven. If I hadn’t hurt my back this afternoon I’d have
been out for a walk with Donald, and missed him. At first I took him to be
someone come to read the meter, but no, this was indeed that much talked about
enforcement visit. To be honest I thought they were a figment of both yours and
my imagination, but here he was large as life and all the way from Glasgow. Hurray!
I’m not sure what he made of my jubilant reaction, perhaps not the usual
reception as I usher him in to BBC Scotland’s Home of the Year 2022. So
evidently delighted to see him, I explained the amusement I’d had over the past
twelve months of non-communication. It came as a relief to hear that none of
you Ross, Kerry, Gordon or Scott are actually computer generated, however the
letters that have been sent out are most definitely computer generated, and in
my case totally ineffective in producing any response. When writing letters to
people I’ve never met I always find I have a mental image of what they look
like. Ross I saw as taller that average, clean shaven chiselled features and
what I would call a distinctive nose, Gordon seemed to have a rounder face to
the point of being puffy, possibly due to a fondness for the whiskey. Scott was
positively tiny with a severely receding dark hair line, and dear Kerry was
blond, good bone structure, but with a touch too much makeup for my liking. I’m
sure my imagination is wildly inaccurate, but perhaps it’s the artist in me
that can’t help putting faces to names. You on the other hand can easily look
up BBC Scotland’s Home of the Year 2022 on U-tube and see me.
As I stated right at the start, “I do not need your permission not to have a television”, and there
is no law that states I have to respond to your unsolicited letters. So have we
learned anything from all this? Perhaps I am that oddball that no computer
programmer would dream of catering for. As for the investigation, I do believe
that nothing at all was done in that respect, since you failed even to discover
my name. However you have provided me with a better quality of entertainment
than much of your broadcasted programs and for that I am grateful, although I wouldn’t
go as far as to say I’ll miss those letters. Presumably I now have three years
of peace before your computer kicks back into action. Or, maybe you have got
the message, and that it has been noted somewhere on your files, that it will be
me who informs you if I have some sort of mental breakdown and purchases a
television. I do hope so. Yours faithfully Tom Hickman, the legal occupier of
17 New Tolsta.
Nice one Tom.
ReplyDeleteThey don't believe that anyone can not want a TV...